Cacophony of Life

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

A Dream Unrealised

Ever had a dream you longed to breathe life into it and embrace its actual form? Yet some things are just never meant to be. There is the self that desire seemingly unattainable dreams, and it only remains unattainable primarily because of one's self. A rather paradoxic statement at first glance, yet the truth contained begins to ring aloud after some thought. Think about it for a moment, how many dreams have you dashed simply because you failed to allow yourself to pursue it (whatever the consequences). In my case, it is something I long for, yet it is I that steadfastly constrain myself. A prisoner, yet simultaneously playing the role of a prison warden.

Yet all I have is
Hope - the belief of a better tomorrow, rational or otherwise.

There could be nothing worse than the lost of hope.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Adrift

It should have been imprisoned in the distant past, yet glimpses of it on a daily basis never fail to evoke those memories which haunt me. Bits and pieces of yesterday piece together to form a portrait of agony for tomorrow.

No roots- no respect or recognition. Such simplistic logic equates to rejection, made all the more severe by the fact that it is done by my own people. What am I, but adrift, if my own people and country will not accept me?

It was my past, yet it shall also be my future.

Friday, April 4, 2008

Thorns

Its been 4 months since I made that fateful decision to undergo a self-imposed exile.

Well, not in the literal sense, but choosing to sever old (dysfunctional?) social ties without any alternatives to hang onto may be perceived as foolhardy by many. I typically consider myself to be heavily risk-adverse, but in this case I have no concrete answers as to why I threw caution to the wind. Could it be that I have had enough of the persistent irritants, which are nothing more than thorns?

I must admit that I went into it as a blind gamble, but as with the game of life, you win some, you lose some. Then again, there are the moments of cold dejection after constantly learning that life will rarely, if ever cut you any slack.

It's been almost two years already, hasn't it? Yes, its been that long since I've had to wear those forced smiles and hollow laughter to mask the revulsion and acrimony. I never fail to see through those back-handed compliments and knowing smirks.

However, this round I have the last laugh. So live with it or blah.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Happy Birthday Alvin!

Happy 21st Birthday Alvin! Well, in case you didn't know, χρόνια πολλά is the Greek equivalent for Happy Birthday. It is pronounced 'Chronia polla'. It means 'many years', which implies 'may you have a long life'. I don't usually feature people on my blog, so this is a rare occasion huh. :)

Though I've only known you for barely two months, its been plenty of fun, hasn't it? :) Next time must join me and get the others to go out for 'emo' walks at night, which will be even more fun once winter sets in! What could be better than a cold and emo walk down by the creek? Or better still, lake? ;) I'm not joking, I'm serious... And I'm perfectly sane, or I would prefer to believe that I am. Haha.

Once more, Happy 21st Birthday :)

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Melancholic-Phlegmatic

I just did a personality test at 4.30am. Don't ask me why. I just did so. While I do enjoy the novelty of doing such tests without taking them seriously, this particular test struck home. To all those who have been wondering for a long while, the results of this personality test I took is an almost perfect answer to who I am. In fact, it is a better description of myself than I could ever craft.

The melancholic-phlegmatic is tidier, more procedural and less flexible than the phlegmatic-melancholic. He may be slower to take on new projects, as the melancholic fear of new situations and tendency to perfectionism takes over. The double-dose of introversion, along with the melancholic tendency to negativity, makes it difficult for him to give compliments and make upbeat small talk. It also causes him to instinctively say “no” when he first hears a request. Others may perceive this as “snobbishness.” Unless the melancholic-phlegmatic is very comfortable, and is surrounded by understanding long-time friends, he may find himself somewhat isolated and alone, unable to warm up in a social gathering. He is less critical and less grudge-bearing than a pure melancholic or a melancholic-choleric. However, the tendency of the melancholic to dwell on things for a long time in their mind, combined with the sensitivity of the phlegmatic toward interpersonal relationships, can result in long-lasting hurts, an erosion of self-confidence and self-esteem, and even depression. Extremely sensitive and possessing a longing for the ideal (melancholic), they are also highly attentive to what others need or desire, through their phlegmatic aspect. This makes them more than usually susceptible to anxiety and a negative self-image

This temperament combination is highly driven to succeed—not for success’ sake alone, but because their melancholic nature is drawn to high ideals, and their phlegmatic side will have a strong desire to please. Thus, they are capable of long-range planning, organization, and attention to detail that makes them excellent and conscientious scholars. They are capable of pursuing highly idealistic goals, usually with long-term academic requirements, such as attaining their doctorate. They value their friendships, but can spend many hours alone reading or studying. They may have a tendency to hypochondria or to genuine physical weaknesses, as well as a tendency to timidity and anxiety, especially about new activities or ventures.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Beyond Hope

If Hope was that faint gleam on the horizon; yet a thousand or even ten thousand steps in that direction brings you no closer, one should really wonder - what lies beyond it? Why do I pursue after it so doggedly, despite being let down every time?

Its gleam waxes and wanes according to no cycle; it is not governed by any rhyme or reason. Life, with her seemingly capricious and volatile moods, dictates my position on the spectrum of melancholy and loneliness. I do not know, perhaps an eternal night of despair lies beyond hope? Or a better world, free of false hopes; in which hopes are free to take off and soar, only to be struck down and brought back to earth by reality? As of the present, its glow has faded to a barely visible speck adrift in the black night. And so off I slip into the dark wilderness alone once more.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Sydney Trip

The Sydney pictures are so waaay long overdue, but here they are anyway.

(L -> R) James, Me, Alvin, Christina and Trina at a dim sum restaurant

Cam-whoring by Sydney Harbour

Guy's room. I took the upper level single bed and ~~filmed the threesome below~~ was blissfully ignorant of the covert activities going on under the cover of darkness below.