...further than I could ever imagine.
Warning : Emo Code Red
A long torturous downward spiral toward impending doom...
It was barely a year ago I was brimming with confidence, full of conviction and ruthlessly bold. So much, too much in fact, have changed in the span of a year. Was it fear? Pain? I do not know. All I know is that my resolve chipped away and eventually shattered. Certainly I did not choose to tread on this path. Yet I am consigned to an almost-certain doom no matter which road I take now. Walk the high road (or should I say tight rope) and lead a life of despair or embrace the darkness, and await whatever death that lies at the end of the road. My, what cheery options I have.
Have I landed at the bottom of this pit? Or is there a lower level awaiting me tomorrow?
Friday, July 18, 2008
Far from grace,...
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Friday, May 30, 2008
The many faces of men
All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts.
William Shakespeare
A unique mask for every occasion.
A subtle change of persona to suit the mood of the mob.
If so, there is no one who is true to himself.
Or to anyone else, for the matter.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Another tear too late
Poignant grief cannot endure forever. Yet it seems to stretch on for an eternity.
Why shed another tear for a cause I have long stopped believing in? Why fight a battle of which the odds are stacking higher against me day by day? I don't know. I just do.
And its not a cry you can hear at night, its not somebody who's seen the light, its a cold and its a broken Hallelujah.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
A new page
It's been months, if not years and yet things still remain relatively unchanged. The vitriol of the yesteryears is threatening to boil over after remaining dormant for so long. Wounds heal with the passage of time, but it is not so with scars; they last a lifetime. Though what is a little bile now compared to the large doses I had to swallow back then with an emotionless mask of a face? Certain things do change, but others linger on obstinately. Naivety, I suppose, has long been lost to the storms of life. I may have left the past in the flesh, but my soul firmly refuses to budge.
Can I bring the chapter of yesterday to closure and turn the page?
Friday, May 2, 2008
A new milestone
A new milestone achieved marks the beginning of another phase in the seemingly eternal journey. The next station of life may usher in changes, or rather the illusion of change; but as the cloud of novelty dissipates, reality sinks in- The next stop does not necessarily harbour better days. In fact, the converse may be true. Nevertheless, happiness does not all stem from one's environment. Rather, it is how one perceives the world enclosed around him. One can have the world on his palm and yet possess nothing. When analysed on its tangents, the statement may seem paradoxical but it yields a simple yet fundamental truth when pressed harder- joy cannot be obtained through material means.
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all.
Emily Dickinson
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
A Dream Unrealised
Ever had a dream you longed to breathe life into it and embrace its actual form? Yet some things are just never meant to be. There is the self that desire seemingly unattainable dreams, and it only remains unattainable primarily because of one's self. A rather paradoxic statement at first glance, yet the truth contained begins to ring aloud after some thought. Think about it for a moment, how many dreams have you dashed simply because you failed to allow yourself to pursue it (whatever the consequences). In my case, it is something I long for, yet it is I that steadfastly constrain myself. A prisoner, yet simultaneously playing the role of a prison warden.
Yet all I have is
Hope - the belief of a better tomorrow, rational or otherwise.
There could be nothing worse than the lost of hope.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Adrift
It should have been imprisoned in the distant past, yet glimpses of it on a daily basis never fail to evoke those memories which haunt me. Bits and pieces of yesterday piece together to form a portrait of agony for tomorrow.
No roots- no respect or recognition. Such simplistic logic equates to rejection, made all the more severe by the fact that it is done by my own people. What am I, but adrift, if my own people and country will not accept me?
It was my past, yet it shall also be my future.
Friday, April 4, 2008
Thorns
Its been 4 months since I made that fateful decision to undergo a self-imposed exile.
Well, not in the literal sense, but choosing to sever old (dysfunctional?) social ties without any alternatives to hang onto may be perceived as foolhardy by many. I typically consider myself to be heavily risk-adverse, but in this case I have no concrete answers as to why I threw caution to the wind. Could it be that I have had enough of the persistent irritants, which are nothing more than thorns? 
I must admit that I went into it as a blind gamble, but as with the game of life, you win some, you lose some. Then again, there are the moments of cold dejection after constantly learning that life will rarely, if ever cut you any slack.
It's been almost two years already, hasn't it? Yes, its been that long since I've had to wear those forced smiles and hollow laughter to mask the revulsion and acrimony. I never fail to see through those back-handed compliments and knowing smirks.
However, this round I have the last laugh. So live with it or blah.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Melancholic-Phlegmatic
I just did a personality test at 4.30am. Don't ask me why. I just did so. While I do enjoy the novelty of doing such tests without taking them seriously, this particular test struck home. To all those who have been wondering for a long while, the results of this personality test I took is an almost perfect answer to who I am. In fact, it is a better description of myself than I could ever craft.
The melancholic-phlegmatic is tidier, more procedural and less flexible than the phlegmatic-melancholic. He may be slower to take on new projects, as the melancholic fear of new situations and tendency to perfectionism takes over. The double-dose of introversion, along with the melancholic tendency to negativity, makes it difficult for him to give compliments and make upbeat small talk. It also causes him to instinctively say “no” when he first hears a request. Others may perceive this as “snobbishness.” Unless the melancholic-phlegmatic is very comfortable, and is surrounded by understanding long-time friends, he may find himself somewhat isolated and alone, unable to warm up in a social gathering. He is less critical and less grudge-bearing than a pure melancholic or a melancholic-choleric. However, the tendency of the melancholic to dwell on things for a long time in their mind, combined with the sensitivity of the phlegmatic toward interpersonal relationships, can result in long-lasting hurts, an erosion of self-confidence and self-esteem, and even depression. Extremely sensitive and possessing a longing for the ideal (melancholic), they are also highly attentive to what others need or desire, through their phlegmatic aspect. This makes them more than usually susceptible to anxiety and a negative self-image
This temperament combination is highly driven to succeed—not for success’ sake alone, but because their melancholic nature is drawn to high ideals, and their phlegmatic side will have a strong desire to please. Thus, they are capable of long-range planning, organization, and attention to detail that makes them excellent and conscientious scholars. They are capable of pursuing highly idealistic goals, usually with long-term academic requirements, such as attaining their doctorate. They value their friendships, but can spend many hours alone reading or studying. They may have a tendency to hypochondria or to genuine physical weaknesses, as well as a tendency to timidity and anxiety, especially about new activities or ventures.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Beyond Hope
If Hope was that faint gleam on the horizon; yet a thousand or even ten thousand steps in that direction brings you no closer, one should really wonder - what lies beyond it? Why do I pursue after it so doggedly, despite being let down every time?
Its gleam waxes and wanes according to no cycle; it is not governed by any rhyme or reason. Life, with her seemingly capricious and volatile moods, dictates my position on the spectrum of melancholy and loneliness. I do not know, perhaps an eternal night of despair lies beyond hope? Or a better world, free of false hopes; in which hopes are free to take off and soar, only to be struck down and brought back to earth by reality? As of the present, its glow has faded to a barely visible speck adrift in the black night. And so off I slip into the dark wilderness alone once more.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Delicate Balance
Balance; a single point on a line of infinite points where equilibrium is reached. Veer a little to the left or right, and the whole system spirals into infinity or worse still, comes crashing down like a card house. It is a notion revered by philosophers such as Aristotle as the pinnacle of perfection. Aristotle's Golden Mean, for one, proclaims that every virtue lies sandwiched between two vices. For example, courage runs between cowardice and foolhardiness; modesty is bounded between shamelessness and bashfulness.
I'm currently engaged in the process of balancing myself on this see-saw I call Life. Should a foot deviate an inch or two, the precarious equilibrium is quickly shattered. At one end awaits a wilderness of insanity, while the other scarcely a better option- a cesspool of decadence. Finding the equilibrium point within and between two mutually conflicting priorities seems to be more elusive than ever. Yet I will not give up trying.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Laughter in the Rain
It's been another stormy day. Yet another day of being drenched. Yet another day of shivering in the autumn chill.
Isn't it tempting to shed one's tears amidst the storm? The mingling of streaming tears and raindrops offers a veil between oneself and the world. Few, if any would guess that those rolling droplets on your cheeks were actually tear drops.
When masks eventually unbound, it can be an ordeal at times to navigate life with a relatively frail social footing and little support to keep my balance. Yet I manage to get by, somehow. I've burnt my bridges and turned my back on my kind in exchange for something hitherto unknown. I've realized that a new dawn does not necessarily promise a better day. Was I blinded by naivety or blind hope itself, perhaps? Whatever the case, the answer is irrelevant, but only the outcome matters.
Yet beyond the tears, there lingers on hope for a brighter day of joy. For that, I laugh in the midst of the storm.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Shoes
What's it like wearing a new pair of shoes? A seemingly ill-fitting pair. A pair that tends to leave your feet in a state of raw blisters. There are only to possible outcomes: either the shoe breaks to accommodate the foot or the foot responses to such changes by developing calluses.
Hang on a minute, there are other alternatives.
Throw it away??
Nah, if I actually did so I'll have to walk around barefooted. Traversing the wilderness alone on barefoot is not the most appealing of ideas. I've lost count of the years ever since I wandered in here, to dwell on the fringes of society; to be seen but not heard; to despair and be resigned to fate. Oh, the masks needed to slip unnoticed among the people! I can only hazard a guess of people's reaction to the truth.
The cacophony of life rings loud indeed.
Sigh
Friday, March 7, 2008
Change
I think that I think too much at times. At times, my mind has a tendency to verge onto improbable postulations and unnecessary pondering. By and by, there are constants which will always remain, well, constant. That simply means, at the end of the day, some things just won't change. Tales of rolling beds of roses over here which people conjured up seem to be more elusive than ever.
Things I miss since coming to Canberra:
1. Home and family
2. Good food (In retrospect it may be a good thing as I've lost weight :) )
3. Good friends of whom I can relate to, thus reducing the need for a steely social mask.
Perhaps my social skills could use an overhaul. Or else the ghosts of yesterday will return to haunt me?
Sigh
