Cacophony of Life

Breathing space

2008-08-21T15:18:00.002+10:00

Everyone needs a certain measure of it. The act of trespassing someone's privacy is akin to the desecration of hallowed grounds. I no longer want to blog under the pressure to self-censor. I resent being asked to justify and explain my inner thoughts when all I enjoy is letting it flow freely, as it is. Since I find this liberty and creativity being strangled and stiffled, I will be taking a break from this blog. Farewell.

Honesty

2008-08-18T20:22:00.002+10:00

Does it pay to be honest? Let’s see. I took it for granted that it does. But there are times when it does not. I guess certain things are best left unmentioned. Ignorance is bliss, as people often say.

Yes, so they say, we appreciate it, yet their actions indicate otherwise. To regret or not... does it still matter anymore? Well, whatever la. Too late for all that kind of talk already. Honesty, not necessarily the best policy.

New Policies

2008-08-05T00:51:00.007+10:00

As I was enlightened by a particularly brilliant commenter (whom out of his exceeding humility decided to remain anonymous), that since I am unable to change the Government's thinking, it would only be appropriate for me to adjust my thinking in line with theirs. I found the idea rather disagreeable initially, but after much thought, guess what? I concur. I do admit that I am rather pig-headed at times, and more often than not, new ideas which contradict my existing beliefs are discarded immediately. I can only thank my wonderfully unique education for that! My, my, why am I not seeing a stampede of foreign students into our institutions of education? Nah, those foreigners are just too daft to see the beauty and perfection of our system. Their loss, not ours *shrugs*

In light of that, I unveil a new "Information Policy" which will bring this blog in alignment with the Law, notably:

Printing Presses and Publications Act
Internal Security Act

As preservation of peace, harmony and above all, security remains of paramount importance in ensuring the stability of society, all flow of information published must henceforth be subject to approval by the Administrator of this blog. Ideas which are deemed unsuitable for the frail but budding Rakyat Mentality are not to be permitted under any circumstances. To reduce the risk of security breaches* and subversive elements*, anonymous commenting will be discontinued. In exchange for revealing your identity, we guarantee your safety and privacy. Sure, trust us on that.

Any violation of these new policies will be promptly dealt with by the hand of justice*.

*The Administrator reserves the sole and final rights to define what constitutes the following terms : Security breach, subversive elements, justice.

Education

2008-08-01T04:38:00.003+10:00

Just a simple thought on my early years. Over the years my eyes have been opened and I begin to question what I regarded as conventional wisdom. I guess I have always been something of an anomaly in my environment. Not to disparage anyone in particular, but the world I grew up in actively and passively dissuaded any pursuit of intellectualism. This mentality was so firmly rooted within the education establishment and social construct that intellectuals were consistently branded as less useful to society and worthy of persecution. Rather, the vague idea of a 'wholesome' individual was mooted and idealized. Somehow, a student who dabbled in some sports and mugged consistently to regurgitate successfully during examinations was the Adonis that every student should aspire to be. Shallow, no?

I call it Third World Mentality.

Far from grace,...

2008-07-18T06:00:00.007+10:00

...further than I could ever imagine.

Warning : Emo Code Red

A long torturous downward spiral toward impending doom...

It was barely a year ago I was brimming with confidence, full of conviction and ruthlessly bold. So much, too much in fact, have changed in the span of a year. Was it fear? Pain? I do not know. All I know is that my resolve chipped away and eventually shattered. Certainly I did not choose to tread on this path. Yet I am consigned to an almost-certain doom no matter which road I take now. Walk the high road (or should I say tight rope) and lead a life of despair or embrace the darkness, and await whatever death that lies at the end of the road. My, what cheery options I have.

Have I landed at the bottom of this pit? Or is there a lower level awaiting me tomorrow?

Nothing I come with, ‘cept this...

2008-07-14T03:14:00.000+10:00

It’s been ages already, hasn’t it? The seasons have passed, and much has changed since you left.

10 years have passed; it has been a long journey of healing and acceptance. Life is a brief candle indeed, a vapour in the grand scheme of all things. I don’t think you would want another tear shed, do you? Time heals all wounds, so goes the adage, and salves the scars inflicted by life. So here I am, with nothing more than a token of remembrance.

Rest in peace

Home

2008-07-06T01:01:00.003+10:00

"but look,
I have brought myself home,
seasoned by confidence,
broadened by land and languages,
I am no longer afraid of the oceans
or the differences between people,
not easily fooled
by words and ideas"

an excerpt from Si tenggang’s homecoming
by Muhammad Haji Salleh.

Of the things that really matter

2008-06-12T01:09:00.000+10:00

The many faces of men

2008-05-30T02:31:00.004+10:00

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts.
William Shakespeare

The manifold façades that people display.

A unique mask for every occasion.

A subtle change of persona to suit the mood of the mob.

If so, there is no one who is true to himself.

Or to anyone else, for the matter.

Another tear too late

2008-05-27T04:19:00.004+10:00

Poignant grief cannot endure forever. Yet it seems to stretch on for an eternity.

Why shed another tear for a cause I have long stopped believing in? Why fight a battle of which the odds are stacking higher against me day by day? I don't know. I just do.

And its not a cry you can hear at night, its not somebody who's seen the light, its a cold and its a broken Hallelujah.

A new page

2008-05-13T02:28:00.008+10:00

It's been months, if not years and yet things still remain relatively unchanged. The vitriol of the yesteryears is threatening to boil over after remaining dormant for so long. Wounds heal with the passage of time, but it is not so with scars; they last a lifetime. Though what is a little bile now compared to the large doses I had to swallow back then with an emotionless mask of a face? Certain things do change, but others linger on obstinately. Naivety, I suppose, has long been lost to the storms of life. I may have left the past in the flesh, but my soul firmly refuses to budge.

Can I bring the chapter of yesterday to closure and turn the page?

Change

2008-05-13T01:11:00.000+10:00

A new milestone

2008-05-02T22:55:00.005+10:00

A new milestone achieved marks the beginning of another phase in the seemingly eternal journey. The next station of life may usher in changes, or rather the illusion of change; but as the cloud of novelty dissipates, reality sinks in- The next stop does not necessarily harbour better days. In fact, the converse may be true. Nevertheless, happiness does not all stem from one's environment. Rather, it is how one perceives the world enclosed around him. One can have the world on his palm and yet possess nothing. When analysed on its tangents, the statement may seem paradoxical but it yields a simple yet fundamental truth when pressed harder- joy cannot be obtained through material means.

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all.

Emily Dickinson

A Dream Unrealised

2008-04-09T02:13:00.003+10:00

Ever had a dream you longed to breathe life into it and embrace its actual form? Yet some things are just never meant to be. There is the self that desire seemingly unattainable dreams, and it only remains unattainable primarily because of one's self. A rather paradoxic statement at first glance, yet the truth contained begins to ring aloud after some thought. Think about it for a moment, how many dreams have you dashed simply because you failed to allow yourself to pursue it (whatever the consequences). In my case, it is something I long for, yet it is I that steadfastly constrain myself. A prisoner, yet simultaneously playing the role of a prison warden.

Yet all I have is
Hope - the belief of a better tomorrow, rational or otherwise.

There could be nothing worse than the lost of hope.

Adrift

2008-04-07T04:14:00.004+10:00

It should have been imprisoned in the distant past, yet glimpses of it on a daily basis never fail to evoke those memories which haunt me. Bits and pieces of yesterday piece together to form a portrait of agony for tomorrow.

No roots- no respect or recognition. Such simplistic logic equates to rejection, made all the more severe by the fact that it is done by my own people. What am I, but adrift, if my own people and country will not accept me?

It was my past, yet it shall also be my future.

Thorns

2008-04-04T04:17:00.011+11:00

Its been 4 months since I made that fateful decision to undergo a self-imposed exile.

Well, not in the literal sense, but choosing to sever old (dysfunctional?) social ties without any alternatives to hang onto may be perceived as foolhardy by many. I typically consider myself to be heavily risk-adverse, but in this case I have no concrete answers as to why I threw caution to the wind. Could it be that I have had enough of the persistent irritants, which are nothing more than thorns?

I must admit that I went into it as a blind gamble, but as with the game of life, you win some, you lose some. Then again, there are the moments of cold dejection after constantly learning that life will rarely, if ever cut you any slack.

It's been almost two years already, hasn't it? Yes, its been that long since I've had to wear those forced smiles and hollow laughter to mask the revulsion and acrimony. I never fail to see through those back-handed compliments and knowing smirks.

However, this round I have the last laugh. So live with it or blah.

Happy Birthday Alvin!

2008-03-29T03:26:00.001+11:00

Happy 21st Birthday Alvin! Well, in case you didn't know, χρόνια πολλά is the Greek equivalent for Happy Birthday. It is pronounced 'Chronia polla'. It means 'many years', which implies 'may you have a long life'. I don't usually feature people on my blog, so this is a rare occasion huh. :)

Though I've only known you for barely two months, its been plenty of fun, hasn't it? :) Next time must join me and get the others to go out for 'emo' walks at night, which will be even more fun once winter sets in! What could be better than a cold and emo walk down by the creek? Or better still, lake? ;) I'm not joking, I'm serious... And I'm perfectly sane, or I would prefer to believe that I am. Haha.

Once more, Happy 21st Birthday :)

Melancholic-Phlegmatic

2008-03-26T04:47:00.003+11:00

I just did a personality test at 4.30am. Don't ask me why. I just did so. While I do enjoy the novelty of doing such tests without taking them seriously, this particular test struck home. To all those who have been wondering for a long while, the results of this personality test I took is an almost perfect answer to who I am. In fact, it is a better description of myself than I could ever craft.

The melancholic-phlegmatic is tidier, more procedural and less flexible than the phlegmatic-melancholic. He may be slower to take on new projects, as the melancholic fear of new situations and tendency to perfectionism takes over. The double-dose of introversion, along with the melancholic tendency to negativity, makes it difficult for him to give compliments and make upbeat small talk. It also causes him to instinctively say “no” when he first hears a request. Others may perceive this as “snobbishness.” Unless the melancholic-phlegmatic is very comfortable, and is surrounded by understanding long-time friends, he may find himself somewhat isolated and alone, unable to warm up in a social gathering. He is less critical and less grudge-bearing than a pure melancholic or a melancholic-choleric. However, the tendency of the melancholic to dwell on things for a long time in their mind, combined with the sensitivity of the phlegmatic toward interpersonal relationships, can result in long-lasting hurts, an erosion of self-confidence and self-esteem, and even depression. Extremely sensitive and possessing a longing for the ideal (melancholic), they are also highly attentive to what others need or desire, through their phlegmatic aspect. This makes them more than usually susceptible to anxiety and a negative self-image

This temperament combination is highly driven to succeed—not for success’ sake alone, but because their melancholic nature is drawn to high ideals, and their phlegmatic side will have a strong desire to please. Thus, they are capable of long-range planning, organization, and attention to detail that makes them excellent and conscientious scholars. They are capable of pursuing highly idealistic goals, usually with long-term academic requirements, such as attaining their doctorate. They value their friendships, but can spend many hours alone reading or studying. They may have a tendency to hypochondria or to genuine physical weaknesses, as well as a tendency to timidity and anxiety, especially about new activities or ventures.

Beyond Hope

2008-03-25T04:17:00.003+11:00

If Hope was that faint gleam on the horizon; yet a thousand or even ten thousand steps in that direction brings you no closer, one should really wonder - what lies beyond it? Why do I pursue after it so doggedly, despite being let down every time?

Its gleam waxes and wanes according to no cycle; it is not governed by any rhyme or reason. Life, with her seemingly capricious and volatile moods, dictates my position on the spectrum of melancholy and loneliness. I do not know, perhaps an eternal night of despair lies beyond hope? Or a better world, free of false hopes; in which hopes are free to take off and soar, only to be struck down and brought back to earth by reality? As of the present, its glow has faded to a barely visible speck adrift in the black night. And so off I slip into the dark wilderness alone once more.

Sydney Trip

2008-03-24T13:27:00.001+11:00

The Sydney pictures are so waaay long overdue, but here they are anyway.

(L -> R) James, Me, Alvin, Christina and Trina at a dim sum restaurant

Cam-whoring by Sydney Harbour

Guy's room. I took the upper level single bed and ~~filmed the threesome below~~ was blissfully ignorant of the covert activities going on under the cover of darkness below.

Roast chicken duck and pork!

Yea!!

Spicy Korean Toufu

Western Dinner by Sydney Harbour

Krispy Kremes

The famed Sydney Harbour

The Posers by Sydney Harbour... :)

Lake Burly Griffin

2008-03-21T05:02:00.005+11:00

~~Emokid crying by the lake~~

Me contemplating life at dusk by Lake Burly Griffin

:)

Prayer of the Long-Sufferer

2008-03-20T04:40:00.002+11:00

A meaningful poem/prayer that I stumbled across last year. Whether you agree or not, it is a timely reminder that the weakness embodied within us is not there for no apparent reason.

I asked God for strength, that I might achieve.
I was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey.

I asked for health, that I might do greater things.
I was given infirmity, that I might do better things.

I asked for riches, that I might be happy.
I was given poverty, that I might be wise.

I asked for power, that I might have the praise of men.
I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God.

I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life.
I was given life, that I might enjoy all things.

I got nothing I asked for - but everything I had hoped for.
Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered.

I among all men, I am most richly blessed!

- Anonymous

Delicate Balance

2008-03-20T04:09:00.005+11:00

Balance; a single point on a line of infinite points where equilibrium is reached. Veer a little to the left or right, and the whole system spirals into infinity or worse still, comes crashing down like a card house. It is a notion revered by philosophers such as Aristotle as the pinnacle of perfection. Aristotle's Golden Mean, for one, proclaims that every virtue lies sandwiched between two vices. For example, courage runs between cowardice and foolhardiness; modesty is bounded between shamelessness and bashfulness.

I'm currently engaged in the process of balancing myself on this see-saw I call Life. Should a foot deviate an inch or two, the precarious equilibrium is quickly shattered. At one end awaits a wilderness of insanity, while the other scarcely a better option- a cesspool of decadence. Finding the equilibrium point within and between two mutually conflicting priorities seems to be more elusive than ever. Yet I will not give up trying.

Laughter in the Rain

2008-03-17T19:56:00.004+11:00

It's been another stormy day. Yet another day of being drenched. Yet another day of shivering in the autumn chill.

Isn't it tempting to shed one's tears amidst the storm? The mingling of streaming tears and raindrops offers a veil between oneself and the world. Few, if any would guess that those rolling droplets on your cheeks were actually tear drops.

When masks eventually unbound, it can be an ordeal at times to navigate life with a relatively frail social footing and little support to keep my balance. Yet I manage to get by, somehow. I've burnt my bridges and turned my back on my kind in exchange for something hitherto unknown. I've realized that a new dawn does not necessarily promise a better day. Was I blinded by naivety or blind hope itself, perhaps? Whatever the case, the answer is irrelevant, but only the outcome matters.

Yet beyond the tears, there lingers on hope for a brighter day of joy. For that, I laugh in the midst of the storm.

Shoes

2008-03-13T03:26:00.004+11:00

What's it like wearing a new pair of shoes? A seemingly ill-fitting pair. A pair that tends to leave your feet in a state of raw blisters. There are only to possible outcomes: either the shoe breaks to accommodate the foot or the foot responses to such changes by developing calluses.

Hang on a minute, there are other alternatives.

Throw it away??

Nah, if I actually did so I'll have to walk around barefooted. Traversing the wilderness alone on barefoot is not the most appealing of ideas. I've lost count of the years ever since I wandered in here, to dwell on the fringes of society; to be seen but not heard; to despair and be resigned to fate. Oh, the masks needed to slip unnoticed among the people! I can only hazard a guess of people's reaction to the truth.

The cacophony of life rings loud indeed.

Sigh

Congrats

2008-03-12T19:02:00.002+11:00

Congrats to my dearest sis who scored 12 A1s for her SPM examinations. With all your 'hard work' and 'effort' you did very well! :D

Home

2008-03-09T01:30:00.001+11:00

I want to go back home! Like NOW!

Change

2008-03-07T02:01:00.004+11:00

I think that I think too much at times. At times, my mind has a tendency to verge onto improbable postulations and unnecessary pondering. By and by, there are constants which will always remain, well, constant. That simply means, at the end of the day, some things just won't change. Tales of rolling beds of roses over here which people conjured up seem to be more elusive than ever.

Things I miss since coming to Canberra:
1. Home and family
2. Good food (In retrospect it may be a good thing as I've lost weight :) )
3. Good friends of whom I can relate to, thus reducing the need for a steely social mask.

Perhaps my social skills could use an overhaul. Or else the ghosts of yesterday will return to haunt me?

Sigh

Orientation Week

2008-03-02T03:57:00.011+11:00

The Orientation Week that never was. At least, that was how the week went by for me personally. Orientation week stretched from the 18th till the 24th of February. I did jump into some activities, not without some reservations and less-than-applaudable enthusiasm. Instead, I opted to spend the week with a bunch of people who consisted mostly of Singaporeans. I tell you, they are damn kiasu people ah! Just joking la... If anything, my brief stint in INTEC (my college) back in 2007 affirmed my belief that Malaysians have no claim to a higher moral plane when it comes to kiasuism.

Australian Flag at Parliament

Ursula residents (or known affectionately as Ursies) posing at Parliament

First Years' Dinner

Coffee Crawl
(L->R) John, Zoe, Me, Kailin

I went up a hill next to the campus called Black Mountain with my friends. The route uphill was rather steep at several points but it was healthy fun nevertheless.

Base of Black Mountain
(L->R) Me, Melvin, Natalie, Trina, Christina, Alvin, James

At the summit of Black Mountain in Telstra Tower

Trip completed! Dead tired but no regrets.

Military-themed party(?)
(L->R) Alvin, Me, James, Melvin

So that's how Orientation Week passed. I enjoyed every moment of it even though many of our activities were spontaneously devised to substitute the official Ursula Hall (my residential college) O-week programme. While I do not suppose that the official programme was inadequate, but rather I would not have felt comfortable participating in typical orientation week activities. I guess deep inside I still am the same boring and mildly anti-social individual. Haha...

I also passed time by going down town into the city of Canberra to shop, watching movies and playing computer games via LAN. I'm thankful for the great bunch of friends I met here in Ursula Hall. Think about it, having friends is possibly the best ward against homesickness and a whole range of other problems. All in all, orientation week proved to be a great week! Next, onto the lectures... sigh.

Canberra

2008-03-01T02:12:00.010+11:00

It has been over a fortnight since I arrived here in Canberra. I arrived here on the 13th of February. It was a journey brimming of apprehension and hope. There was apprehension as I was leaving home for a foreign land the very first time in my life. Leaving the security of family and friends and to a certain extent, my homeland proved to be a combo that was tough to swallow. Swallow I did, but not without shedding any tears. Yet there was hope of new doors opening; a clean slate promising to erase the screw ups of yesterday. The end of one chapter marks the beginning of the next. So turns a page...

Welcome to Canberra, Australia

The scenery here in Canberra is breathtaking. The Australian flora and fauna gave me a surreal sensation when I arrived initially, being so used to the standard green shades of tropical plants.

Black swans

So that's all for a day! I'll be blogging more about how I spent my orientation week (which really wasn't that productive, taking into account that I skipped about 90% of the activities).

Canberra is a new dawn in life. I may be naive for believing that things will change for the better, but hope is a fair enough reason to keep me going.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Robert Frost